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fangirlextraordinaire: (Default)
 Late night sex, smokin’ cigarettes
I try real hard but I can’t forget
Now in a heartbeat, I would do it all again

I fail at updating this daily. Which is kind of strange since all I've been able to think about for the past couple of days is writing. I've got four fucking characters digging their way into my brain right now. I wrote three or four drabbles about them already and I'm itching to actually play them. As soon as I can register on PW again, Genevieve Delacroix will be born.

I think I'm finally making progress with my OCD. I managed to stop myself from starting everything over last night. It seems like such a huge victory for me.
fangirlextraordinaire: (Default)
 I completely forgot about writing in here last night, but there really wasn't much to say about yesterday anyway, so it's not like there's a whole lot missing. It was a pretty typical day - I cleaned house, David came over for a while, I felt like crap because I overslept but still wanted to sleep all day. Same ol', same ol'. David found out there's not a tow truck coming to get his car. I should be so happy for him, but I can't even manage to care.

I'm a horrible friend. I just don't care enough. Nobody means enough to me.
fangirlextraordinaire: (Default)
 They're dangerous at both ends and... crafty in the middle. Why would I want anything with a mind of its own bobbing about between my legs?

My neighbor called  me outside to help her granddaughter and David's daughter set off fireworks. As usual, I was intimidated and awkward, and pretty much failed at acting like a normal human being.

Now I'm tired and smell like gunpowder because the entire street is nothing but a fog of smoke from all of the fireworks that have been going off all night. At least the fur babies didn't seem too scared this time. A few of them went and hid in the corner, but nobody panicked. They did worse with the thunder earlier. Here's hoping that we don't get too much more of that in the next few days or my nerves will be completely shot.
fangirlextraordinaire: (Default)
  Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it. 

I couldn't get rid of the angst today. I felt freaked out all day long. It just kept getting worse. Better now. Stoned off my ass. I really love that I'm having enough lately to at least smoke a bowl before bed and manage to get some sleep. Resting for more than a couple of hours at a time is nice. It's not even 1:30 yet and I'm already getting set up for bed. So far, I'm doing the journalling every night right before I go to sleep and hoping that helps relax me even more. I'm not sure whether or not it's working yet. The past couple of entries have been so short. This one isn't much longer but I'm actually trying to put some effort in.

I've just been feeling the illnesses so much lately that it's getting to me. I'm ready to have an up time again. This has been going on for too long.
 I just can't seem to get it together. I'll think I'm making progress and then it's ten steps backwards again. Like this morning - I'd gotten plenty of sleep and still didn't manage to make myself get out of bed until 3 hours after the clock went off. That can't keep happening.
fangirlextraordinaire: (Default)
 I said I'd make at least one entry a day, but this is a bit of a pointless one. Nothing worth reporting. Mom mowed the yard, David barged in and my ass is sore from sitting on the end of the desk all day. I'd really like to know when it was decided that he always gets the desk chair and I always get to sit on the desk instead of the sofa.

I'd also really like to know why I never like my friends. It seems like I shouldn't spend so much of my time annoyed at the person who I'm supposed to be closest to.
fangirlextraordinaire: (Default)
 It's been nearly a decade since I've had any sort of online journal - a journal of any kind, really - and for some reason, it struck me that now was as good a time as any to pick up the practice again. Maybe it'll help me to keep my mind right and to sort through the hurricane of thoughts in my head . . . or maybe it'll just serve as one more thing to shove into my daily routine and keep me too busy to really dwell on any of those thoughts at all.

It feels good to be typing into one of these little boxes again, though. Writing for no other reason than to put my thoughts out there is something that's vanished from my life over the years.

My goal is to make at least one real entry a day - not counting whatever bits of fandom may make it in here. I just wouldn't be me if I wasn't throwing in fic recs or graphics or just general squeeing because I watched The Avengers again and can't get over the obvious sexual tension between Steve and Tony.

I'm not going to think about how sad it is that the only 'person' I can talk to is a blank page on a computer screen and the pretense that somebody out there will actually read this. The truth is that I'm likely the only person who will ever see what I'm typing right now and really? I hate that I'm so attention seeking that I care.

But the plain and simple truth is that I'm going to have to get used to being alone. It's sort of a family tradition and I don't think it's one that I'll ever be able to break - or even want to.


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July 2013

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